Fat Girls Guide To: Behaving Like a 'Grown Up' - Prologue

I sat at the edge of the bed, laptop perched on my disappointingly ample thighs, clicking furiously on facebook.  Somebody has to be awake, for feck sake, I can’t be the only one alive at this hour of the night, I thought.  My agitation dipped and peaked with the snores to my left.  My useless man ‘friend’ had taken up my room, my life and most disastrously of all, the frigging bed.  He was breathing like a walrus or Tegan after her usual bout of exertion.  I wondered if perhaps some stray animal had wandered into his chest cavity and was yelling to get out.  Contemplating as whether to kick him I weighed up the consequences, it would most certainly rouse him – and the last thing I wanted to do this late at night was rouse anything!  I could always shave him to teach him a lesson; but again I feared he might wake up, cock in hand and a sultry pout to boot.  Men! A pest when awake and a nuisance when asleep.

      The laptop let out a beep alerting to one of my friends being online.  Well, it’s about frigging time.  Which sorry sack of lonely is it, I wondered.  I clicked the window open and up popped Tegan’s face.  Her new profile picture showed how deluded she still was.  In her finest attire and with a face only her mother could love, she believes her pout to be a siren of sex and desire.  Owff! Even on a dark, moonless night a man could not find any need to wander towards the face of a one eyed weeping leper. 

‘Hey Hun, how are you?’ I keyed into the computer.

‘I’m gud, u? Huh, I guess yer not so well, lol, obv yer boyfriend can’t keep an erection long enough 2 take your attention 4rm here!’ she replied

My jaw dropped, she was starting on me, and I’d been nice.  

‘At least any man I’m with can achieve an erection in my company...it’s not my fault you have a face that promotes gayness.’

‘Well, yer boyfriend didn’t think so last night...oh don’t bother waking him, he is prob still exhausted 4rm our rendezvous.’

‘He did say his arms were aching, that must have been from trying to fight your enormity off.’ I retorted.

‘Omg! Aw, I have missed u.’ Tegan replied.

Our spats, as she calls them are a joke to her, for me, its real life.  With my wits and her grotesque face, I was the winner, hands down.  But summer was starting and we would be forced upon each other again.  Another year in College over and another year of day time TV had revolved for Tegan.  This summer would be different though, I would be a fully fledged and legitimately intelligent member of society.  Having graduated with a 2:1 I could hold my head high, not only had I proved my worth, but somehow I had successfully managed to juggle an oh-so thriving social life.  I’m not saying I am a whore, even if I had my fair share of midnight knocks on the door. 

‘When u bk chicken pie?’ she continued.

‘Getting the famine ship in a week, can you wait that long?’

‘I will have to! I have big news 4 u!!!’ She typed back.

Ah crap, her big news was either trivial or unbelievable and either way just awful.

‘ooooh, what’s this big news?’

‘I will show u when yer back. So how’s things with what’s his face?’

‘Ah you know yourself; these men are too much hard work.’

‘Tell me about it!’ Tegan relied (yeah, as if she had a fecking clue!) ‘U look’n 4ward 2 moving home? ;-)’

Like a hole in the head! The thought of having to live under my parent’s roof was giving me the hebegebies! How in god’s name would organise an orgy or master those creaky stairs after a late night of slamming tequila? Sure, I would be in some state, and only the lucky, lucky, man I pull should be privy to that ordeal.  Hum.

‘Yeah, can’t wait, should be a blast!’

‘Yer such a liar...I can see yer face 4rm here!’

For a second I thought my camera was on, Jesus, the things we’d been doing earlier today better not be floating around the internet.  When I’m famous (I’m already incredibly hot...could be a model or something) I wouldn’t want that creeping up - I didn’t put my full into it.

‘It will only be for a while, until I find somewhere else.’ I rationalised, more to myself than anything.

‘My folks are pissing me off...lol, I need sum space!’

‘They are pretty annoying...’ (And inbred, I wanted to add.)

‘So I’ve been sorta lookin round 4 places 2 rent.  There is a nice 1, rite in da centre, fairly cheap and der are 2 rooms for rent.  What do ya think?’

I weighed up my options....living with dad the ‘grumpy arse’ or living with Tegan the ‘fat arse’? At least the press would be chock-a-bloc with food! I’m sure I could make it my mission to make Tegan somehow human, a good spiking should do the trick, and she’d be good craic alright.

‘Go on then, I’m sure it will be great!’

‘Brill, I will sort it all out! This is gonna be great! Will fill u in on my HUGE news when ya get back, see ya soon! xxx’

     Shit, shit, shit, fecking shit! She must have somehow found a man friend and I’m leaving mine! Or maybe its herpes, in which case she better not fecking show me. 

I switched off the laptop to mull things over; Tegan’s news must be grand if her fat mouth can lock it in for another few days. 

     I turned off the light and lay in bed.  He was still breathing, a good sign, I suppose, or at least I thought it was until he started farting in my Egyptian cotton bed sheets.  In a huff I pushed the bastard hard until he rolled right out and on to the floor with a winded bang.  Jumping up with a mock sleepy face I looked around the room.

‘What happened?’ I yawned ‘What are you doing on the floor, you fecking eejit?’

He rubbed his elbow furiously ‘Did you just push me?’

‘What?’ I asked incredulous, ‘Push you? Are you out of your small mind? As if I’d push you...in my sleep!’

‘You did, didn’t you?  You’re fucking crazy, you know that right?’ He said rolling back into the bed. And I’m the crazy one? If I suspected someone had just pushed me out of a bed, I would go one further and think that they didn’t want me there and therefore would feck off and sleep elsewhere!  What an Idiot!! 

‘Shut up and go asleep!’ I barked.

He wrapped one arm around me and placed the other under my neck.  I was trapped and to make matters worse he was poking me in the back, and not with a stray elbow.  I began to snore loudly, hoping he would get the hint.

‘Hey, Clodagh.’ He whispered.

I snorted in a somewhat vague I’m-busy-passing-out way.  He shook me awake, his face inches from mine.  He planted his lips on mine.

‘Let’s have a quickie!’ he pleaded

‘Oh stop with the romance like, and for the last fecking time, no!’

‘You never want to do it when I do.’

And even in the dark I could see his pout.

‘Well, if you don’t like it I suggest you feck off home, sort yourself out; and let me get some sleep.’

He sat up in the bed insulted ‘You actually are the biggest bitch I know!’

‘Hey! Less of the big please!’ I was highly offended.

‘Is that all you can say? Right, I’m leaving!’

‘Grand.’

‘And I’m not coming back, no matter how much you beg’ He continued.

‘Great, that’s settled then.’

He clicked the light on and commenced locating his clothes.  Pulling on his superman t-shirt I realised just how silly he was.  Toy boys are an over-rated luxury!

‘I thought we had something special...’

‘We did honey, until you ruined it.’ I replied.

He stood in the doorway with his clichéd face and sentiments.

‘So this is it?’

‘Yup, afraid so, don’t forget the pull the door after you.’

‘You’re heartless.’ He sobbed his way out the door.

Before the door clicked shut I had a change of heart:

‘Wait!’ I yelled

He was in the room faster than I could fake an orgasm.  He had a proud and vindicated smile on his face.  I had a smile too:

‘Don’t forget your smelly boxers!’

I wasn’t washing them then and I certainly wasn’t doing it now. He sobbed even harder and muttered madly about being mistreated.  It was his own fault really; he had to have known that.  You can’t deprive a woman of sleep and expect her to love you for it, can you?