Humility for one perhaps.
Sometimes I fantasise about being kidnapped,
trapped for weeks on end without food: crying because my captors are gorging on
KFC or Supermac’s; or if they are up market kidnappers - homemade scones with
jam and fresh cream. I image that my
sharp, astute wits and that module in Strategy will allow me to formulate an
escape plan with more twists and turns than ‘Prison Break. With my ‘Walking Dead’ survivalist knowledge
and abundance of charms, I envisage myself making a triumphant escape and being
a desirable, skin and bone size to fall lustfully into Wentworth Miller or
Andrew Lincoln’s arms. But who the feck
am I codding?...kidnappers are looking for a light candidate; not one that
would take half a rugby team to heist into a transit van and the potential to
bald your tyres after 5 miles.
I think the worst part of being a heifer is the pitying looks and words
of condolences:
‘I’m sure you will grow out of it...it’s
easy to fix...it just takes time...if you exercise more...if you just opted to
have your jaw wired shut like I suggested...you may as well give up...have a
new career goal, a bucking bronco perhaps...he probably would have asked for
another date if you didn’t eat the entire stock of the restaurant...that chair definitely
had a wobbly leg...I’m sure they make it in a bigger size...’
So what’s to be done when you are almost on all fours using your tail to
swot flies away, lowing in the dusky evening? I guess trying again is always a
good start. With an impending wedding
just 4 weeks away it’s about time I try to shed some pounds...if only so I don’t
have to walk with my back pressed against a wall hiding a gaping zip and back
boobs. Attractive huh?
The first rule of starting a new diet is
to eat the entire contents of your fridge and cupboards in one night. Seriously,
you don’t want to have to pick through the bin on your lowest moments. It’s very important to make sure you have
enough reserves to undertake this gruelling task. This may be the last time you admit to eating
chocolate and crisps. It’s a fact
universally acknowledged that skinny people don’t eat that stuff, they like to
lick laminated pictures of it instead.
The second rule is to have a good
support network. Fat camps can help you
succeed but make sure you are in a group full to the brim with elephants. It wouldn’t do to attend the class with those
who are nearly at their goal – you will look like the photo taped to their
fridge. Your aim should be to look like the trócaire kid in every class! Also
it helps if you enlist the support of your fattest friend. Meet up regularly to size her up and feel
better about yourself. If you find you
do not have a friend fatter than you – then that’s just rough - do not engage
in any ‘coffee and chat’ meet ups...they are looking at how your arse wobbles
and thighs jiggle. Do not trust anyone!
The last rule of starting a new diet is
to give it a chance. Be open to
change. I know you are perfect they way
you are...I know you are knowledgeable about everything...and I know you only
have a few pounds to lose before you are a supermodel: but just give it a
chance. For me, I have to go back with
my tail between my legs...turns out I didn’t know everything and maybe this
happy-clapy-fat-camp feckers can help me put my mind ‘to it’ before my arse
needs to be photographed to carry its own passport.
